How to Recognise Grooming
What is Grooming?
Grooming is when a person befriends a child to establish an emotional connection. The predator will often also groom the parents, to establish trust and opportunity with the motive of child sexual abuse (CSA).
It is often very hard to identify grooming. And even the most astute parent cannot always detect it. Predators are very cunning and manipulative in the way they adapt to every situation and family. Sometimes grooming will look like ‘normal’ caring behaviour. However, this is not always the case.
Usually, the victim will not realise they have been groomed. They may have been tricked into thinking they were safe with the predator. As the connection is established, the abuse will start once the predator feels they have gained trust and created an opportunity to be alone with the child.
Linda Newfield
Because a child has been educated on child sexual abuse, it may minimise the risk of abuse. However, it does not alone protect them. All children are at a some level of risk and rely on adults to keep them safe.
How They Target the Victim
While the following information describes some of the ways in which grooming can happen, grooming will not always look like this. As we mentioned earlier, predators are highly deceptive and manipulative and will adapt to the situation. So, it is important to draw on a range of information, such as the warning signs of sexual abuse, if you have concerns.
The predator could be a male or female and may look for a child or young person to target. Often a child will be someone they already know, either as a friend’s child or a relative.
Predators may also look for a group of young people in places such as schools, or other places young people hang out, or they may create false profiles on the internet to befriend young people. Part of the grooming, is they will often show an interest in the child and perhaps offer the child or young person something to build a connection.
For example, a cigarette, food, and drink, a lift somewhere, or someone to talk to for support.
Building The Relationship – When the Parent is the Target
The predator may build on getting closer to their target. Depending on who the target/s are, will depend on how they behave.
For example, if they are first targeting the parent to gain trust, they may use some of the below tactics:
Compliment the parent. For example, on their looks or how well they do something
offer to help the parent out; go to shops, mow lawns, take rubbish out, help with financial matters
Offer to lend them things like, car, money, tools appliances
The predator may engage in conversations about child safety. This is common, they pretend to advocate for child safety and assert how abhorrent child sexual abuse is.
Where the Child is the Target – (Building a Relationship)
Predators often groom both the parent and the child, particularly when a relationship or acquaintance already exists. Alternatively, the predator might be an individual unknown to the parents, who have not observed any interaction with their child, making the child a more vulnerable target.
If the predator is targeting a child (young person) they may use any of these tactics below:
Give them things they are not normally allowed to have
Allow the child to do things they are not normally allowed to do
They will entice the child to go places with them without the child’s safe people
They will start to buy them things – food, drinks, electronics, games, clothes, tickets to events etc.
They begin to isolate the child from their family by being the “present” person in the child’s life at that time.
They will pretend to share same interests as the child and join the child in activities such as computer games, watching tv, or showing them social media on their phones like TikTok
They will offer to help with school home homework
Wrestling/tickling, watching movies (note – don’t allow blankets on laps when an older child or adult is with child).
The above are all red flags. Should you notice any of these red flags, you should exclude the person from your family circle. If that is not possible, then stay very vigilant, talk with your child, and never allow the person to have alone access to your child.
Note:
While extending the benefit of the doubt and overlooking red flags may seem kind, the risks involved are too significant. The potential dangers can surpass a child’s understanding. The safety of your child takes precedence over the possibility of offending someone. If in doubt, it is advisable to distance yourself and your children from the individual and cease any further contact.
Fake Friendship
Once a predator has established a false friendship with the victim, it’s common for the victim to develop feelings for the individual, particularly if the predator is a relative. These emotions can be intense, and the child should not be interrogated, as the emotions are too complex and the child may not comprehend how they developed.
Once the friendship is established and the opportunity arises, the predator/groomer may introduce sex to the child or young person. This can be done in a number of ways. For instance, they may start by showing them pornography (porn) or other channels to watching sexual acts.
The child may think everything is fine, that there is no harm in just looking, that they are in control, but sadly, the groomer is controlling them, and is slowly gaining more control.
Entrapment and Blackmail
Part of the grooming plan is to entrap children or young people in behaviours they are not usually allowed to do.
Behaviours which may be illegal, and or may be dangerous. In the beginning, this can make the child or young person feel grown up or special. Or their instincts may cause them to feel fearful. And they may even start to feel trapped. For example, the child may have participated in drinking alcohol, taking/selling drugs, or some type of criminal activity.
The perpetrator understands their fear and will begin to make their move. They then begin to force the child or young person to do sexual favours in return for “not being hurt” or exposed. This may include violence or threats of violence.
Victimisation
Sexual abuse victimization, involves non-consensual sexual acts or behaviors inflicted by someone in power. It is profoundly traumatic, causing physical, emotional, and psychological harm. The effects include guilt, shame, fear, and difficulties in relationships, self-esteem, and mental health.
Depending on how the young person or child is groomed, they may be forced into having sex with others. Usually, this will be in return for something they need or want.
When we say forced, we mean, the child is persuaded one or another. Such as, the perpetrator may have blackmailed them, or threatened violence on them or harm to someone the child loves.
The child may also be threatened with exposure using a narrative, “You will get in trouble for not telling earlier ” or ” You will get in trouble because you enjoyed it and kept doing it”.
This type of narrative a perpetrator will use is powerful over the child.
Often the child’s physical reaction to some levels of abuse will be to orgasm. This is deeply traumatic for the child as they experience the physical response, which conflicts with their emotional fears and thoughts.
Therefore while the child’s emotions are confused and stressed, the perpetrator’s threats become believable.
This type of manipulation causes long term trauma often into adulthood until the child understands and accepts, because their body reacted to a physical touch, it doesn’t mean they were complicit in the abuse.
Some Examples of Activity a Perpetrator May Force the Victim to Do
Performing oral sex, masturbation, fondling…
Penetration – Intercourse
Anal penetration
Performing oral sex, masturbation, fondling…
Forcing sex with others in front of them
Which Children Are at Risk?
All children are vulnerable to sexual abuse because they are children and children are vulnerable.
Sexual abuse happens to children of any age (0 – 18), any background, race, socio-economic status, gender, sexual orientation, and vulnerability.
If predators have a choice, they will often choose the easiest target for them. The groups of children listed below are at a higher risk of abuse, however, please know, children from all backgrounds can be at risk:
Children with a disability
Children who are not getting enough emotional connection from parents
Children with less supervision (often single parents who need to work, go out
Children whose parents leave their children alone often, or engage babysitters
Children with lower self-esteem
A child who has suffered trauma
A child who struggles to make friends
Children who appear to not be educated on sexual abuse
Who Are The Perpetrators of Child Sexual Abuse (CSA)?
Perpetrators of child sexual abuse can come from any ethnicity or background and can be women, men, or even young people.
Research indicates that the majority of these perpetrators are male, which is why there is a focus on males. However, it is important to recognize that females can also be perpetrators.
The risk is lower for females, and statistics often report cases involving mothers who were complicit in the abuse of their children, either through failure to report or trafficking their children for money or drugs.
This list is not an exhaustive list, but it does list the most common according to research.
Neighbours
Family Friends
Uncles or other family members
Older siblings and Cousins
Any friend (new or old) who does favours for your family – especially to help parent/s.
Boyfriends, step-fathers, fathers, and grandfathers
Day Care workers
Here are some warning signs that may indicate a young person is concerned they could be a victim:
If the young person has a friendship with someone, then that person begins to pressure them for sex – they may threaten to end their relationship with the young person if they won’t do what the older person wants them to do such as, have sex.
Demands or persuades the young person to have sex with other people
Demands for sex in return for food, a place to stay, or drugs or gifts
Threatens to end the relationship if sexual ‘dares’ are not done
Demand nude photos or videos of the young person and or demands they share nudes of other siblings, friends of the young person
They are offering the young person money or other gifts for having sex or doing sexual acts for them or others or for video and or photos
Threatens to share their images or videos with others online of they do not do sexual acts
Some signs that a child may be a victim
If you notice any of the behaviours below, depending on the relationship you have with your child, you should gently talk with them and ask if there is anything that is causing them to feel worried.
Let them know you are there for them and that no matter what the problem is, you can help them.
Let them know if they aren’t ready yet, or they can’t tell you now, that is okay they can come to you whenever they feel they can.
You can also ask them if they can talk to another safe person, offer them to see a counsellor.
Sometimes young persons may not feel they can talk with their parent about this. There are numerous reasons why. But the point is, supporting them to get help, if even if it’s outside the home such as a professional support person.
See our other page “How to Respond” for some tips and how to approach.
Please also know, even if you talk with your child and they say everything is okay, and you find out later that they had been abused, please understand, their fears are very real and complex. Not necessarily fear of you, but fear of outcomes and consequences to them, their family, and even the perpetrators.
If you are really concerned and your child won’t talk with you, it may be wise to seek help from an experienced child counsellor to talk with your child. Professionals know the correct way to approach and also provide your child with a neutral person to talk with.
Any behaviour change – take note
Withdrawn
Depressed
Sexualised Behaviour
Substance abuse
Child regresses with bedwetting and or nightmares
Secretive behaviour
A particular person is around a lot
What can you do?
Assess risk – always ask yourself – is there ANY risk here? If so, change your plans. It only takes one time to harm a child. Never place them at considered risk.
Stay vigilant – always keep an eye on who is hanging around, showing interest in your child/ren, and look for any “off” behaviour
Listen to your gut! if it’s telling you something is wrong, look more closely, change circumstances where you can – investigate, your gut is your natural instinct telling you there is something not right
Keep communication open with your child – make time for 1:1 conversation about what is happening for them…
Be involved in their activities – take them to sports training, watch their lessons…
Get your child to identify 5 people whom they feel safe with. Please do not do this for them. It is important they tell you whom they feel safe with. These are who they can report if they are being harmed.
Tell your children about some safe people outside of the home, for example, teachers, police, doctor, school counsellor, and nurse.
Give your child the code word; Tell Katy. Tell them they can use that to report they have been disclosed – the identified Safe people should also be aware of codeword Tell Katy.
If your child discloses abuse – believe them, be a sounding board – do not ask intrusive questions, leave that for experts. Your role is to listen, keep notes and seek specialized support.
The above information is meant to be a guide to help you recognise any grooming behaviors.
It will help you have conversations with your child. And will support the information your child learns on the Tell Katy App.
The information provided is gained from evidence-based research.
While we have used some common examples, It does not and cannot state all examples and possible scenarios resulting in CSA.
All parents are recommended to seek professional support if they have any concerns.
We recommend, all parents stay vigilant, have conversations with their children, and educate them about the risks of CSA.